Update: I wrote this post and when it was all said and done...I didn't hit publish. At the last minute, I decided not to make this public because I felt this was the weakest side of me I've ever published. I just read it again and I realize this might be good for you to read. Not exactly sure why. I was going through an inner struggle and battle and my sleep that night had been discouraging. Even on Christmas day, the tormenting dream threatened to steal my joy of that day. However, when I realized it was the enemy's tactic to turn my eyes away from One so pure and to keep my heart from celebrating the Lord's birth, I stood my ground and remembered the One who could lift me up. I was at peace until later that day, when my dream again challenged me. This time, I felt like God wanted me to deal with it...to pray and fight the battle over my heart. So here is a small recording of the things that were racing through my mind as I struggled...
After 2 years and 5 months...
I'm still wondering. I gave it up in February, didn't I??? Early this year? Ugh, it makes me so mad that I wonder about it after ALL THIS TIME. And why did it I give it up in February? Why not earlier?
It's out of my power and my reach. I know what triggered me to think about this...and I am kind of curious if I had let that alone in the first place maybe this dominoe effect wouldn't have occurred.
"What are you talking about?" I can hear you asking. Well, fellow reader. For once, I can't be transparent about this. I just can't. It's way too close to my heart. All I can say it was a dream not meant to happen. So this dream was given up...in February. Of.this.year.
Until a few months ago, I surely thought it was all over and dealt with so I moved on...just a little.
And boom! Dream is back, demanding to be dealt with.
Quite ridiculous.
The 'what if's' are piling like procrastinated assignments. I'm not sure what to do exactly...I mean, didn't God tell me no? Weren't the circumstances made in such a way the answer is no and continues to be no? Like not ever?
Haven't I accepted that?
Well, that's a bit scary if I haven't. Because that is sin, and I don't want to purposefully sin. Am I being stubborn and not willing to give this up? (o_O)
Just a couple days ago, I rejoiced on being free from this kind of bondage!
Is this a test????
Do I look back like Lot's wife did? If I continue on this path of looking back (uh-oh) am I in danger of becoming a pillar of salt? Not a literal pillar of salt...but a pillar that is stubborn and unmoving. Not willing to move forward to what God has planned and has established for my well-being?
In Genesis 19 the angels took this family out for their safety...and as I just mentioned Lot's wife looked back.
God changed a course in my life for my good, He took me out...am I looking back?
Much to think about.
I went to sleep that night...and I woke up grateful I didn't publish this...and drawing myself closer to God. Such has been the case the last few days. He's been ministering me through His Word and I'm so GLAD to tell you, I am overcoming. I realize it's a continual battle (for every person, who struggles with giving their wills to God) so I will continue to keep pressing on. I am reminded not to look back...
God knows my heart wants to run back to my wills, ambitions...
So in His grace, through the story of Lot's wife, He reminds me there is destruction that way and to keep moving FORWARD.
God is good.
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