Ramblings from this girl. Again.

Last night after a Christmas Party at church...I noticed something odd...
It began as an itch. You know the kind of itches where you start realizing things and if ya'll know me, I like to dig deeper about these things. On Wednesday night, an elderly lady asked me how old I was...I told her, and she asked me what do I do with my time...After answering her questions (a little bit curious why she was asking me) she finally threw the punch line...

"Well at that age...isn't it a time where you do things?"
"What things do you mean?" I asked her, thinking of my photography hobbies, work, college.
"Like...looking for a husband?..." she asked carefully.
I stared at her before looking away and playing with a child nearby. I just nodded in understanding but in my head I was thinking of something else.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, LOOK FOR A HUSBAND??? I thought with disappointment. I was trying not to be upset because specifically this year, that seems to be the common theme people ask me and she wasn't the first.

And in recent years I fought the prospect of marriage. I had been interested before but I hardly considered marriage.
This summer, I remember sitting on the back deck...the breeze was blowing and I was thinking about this. Yes, another person had brought it up and unfortunately I couldn't wave it off like I usually had done. My mom had talked to me and had actually been concerned about my adamant stance against marriage in MY life. She knew the situations around my determination to not get married and she pointed those were not good reasons to avoid getting married. That week, I stumbled on blogs, sermons on marriage and...being the thinking person I can be...I asked God if He was trying to tell me something.
I didn't get thunder from Heaven or anything like that...just the simple request, be open to the prospect.
Since that time, I've been trying to accept that maybe quite possibly He does have it in His will for me. But I guess somewhere along the way I went back to selfish planning again, because when this lady asked that question the same determination of my high school years flared up, full force. NO. I don't go looking for ANYBODY! I thought inwardly. So I kept pushing it away, over and over again and her words have been repeating the last few days.
Last night on the drive home, I was remembering Okinawa.
I need to get out of here! I thought. I should see the world, while I have the chance! (Facebook friends you saw that status) However, if you've been following me since the beginning of this blog, you will remember that God said no to this. And it was heartbreaking.
Today I woke up disappointed at myself for allowing my feelings of independence take my satisfaction away from what the Lord has for me. For whatever reason, I am here. I'm not traveling, seeing the world, learning a new language...but even if I was and it was without God...I would be miserable. I guess the old woman's question triggered something I didn't know was there. Still.
Independence, done my way. :/