Dealing with depression...4 years later.

Not a professional...but maybe I can share something. There are those who have gone through this fire and it's more intense than mine ever was...but I'd like to share it nonetheless. After I graduated high school, I battled something many would call depression. For those of you who know me, you'll know that I like to play jokes, laugh and sometimes be totally adventurous. So when this happened I wasn't prepared. Nowhere near prepared, because I believed very much at the time that depression was caused by people who self-pitied themselves all the time and who only focused on themselves. When I was 10 or 11, before the Lord came into my life, a situation did trigger me to just not being able to emotionally get up. I couldn't go on with life nor did I want to. But the Lord came and changed all that.
I was quite shocked when I found myself in this valley again. I didn't know how I ended up there...not really.  All I knew is the feelings of unforgiveness and condemnation were strong to the point there was a physical heaviness. I couldn't sleep and nothing could make feel 'alive' again. At times, I was gripped with an intense fear which came out of nowhere and the only thing I could do was pray. PRAY,PRAY, AND PRAY. Two people outside of my family were aware of this because I was ashamed of my weakness in the Lord. At least that's what I thought it was at the time. I had thought if I shared with any of the leaders at my church they would think I wasn't saved or wasn't Christian enough. Don't ask me why I believed those lies. They never, ever gave the impression of being judgemental. NEVER. However, I see now it was a tactic by the enemy to isolate myself and to draw me away from the church. One night, I was so distraught, I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered..."Seek Me and You will find Me." With panic chasing at my heels, I looked at my Bible scrambling for His Word. I needed something and I needed it soon. I was very close to leaving my faith because emotionally it was too painful. I wanted to give up and not go on...I told God, "I know You're real and no matter what I say, You exist. But I can't do this. I can't go on being a hypocrite and having people think I'm a strong Christian. What image am I giving to those who don't know You? What can I say to those who need You when I'm not adequate enough?"
What happened next was profound for the moment. It wasn't a voice or a flash of lightning. It was His Word in plain black and white. Isaiah 41:9-10

"You are My Servant, I have chosen you and have not cast You away. Fear not, for I am with You. Be not dismayed, for I am Your God. I will strenghthen you, yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right Hand."

If it wasn't for me finding that verse at that moment...I don't know where I'd be right now. That verse, in a sense, was a gamechanger. It changed everything because there was hope. God showed me I wasn't alone. I wasn't cast off. He was there, helping me. That verse became like a tatoo on my heart! I don't know how to describe those moments...but to understand that God through the realm of space and time, reaching down to give me this message? It was amazing. It's magnificent.
Throughout the following months to almost a year, my battle with depression (gosh, I hate calling it that) was ongoing. But this time I was more equipped. The final battle I remember.
My church was doing a 3 day worship conference (I think it was a conference...it had a lot of teaching and good messages from the guest speakers) and on the final night, I knew something had to change.
With my wonderful friend, who had been praying faithfully over the agonizing months I asked God to have me. To take me as His. I was already His...but I wanted to do it again. I wanted Him to take my depressed self and have me again.
And He did.
God was so faithful to me during those dark months. I didn't see His Hand hardly ever at the time, but now I do. Every Sunday, the very leaders I was afraid to ask prayer from, taught exactly where my heart was at. I was always astonished every Sunday because they spoke as if they knew what I was going through. As if they knew every single detail of the battle I was facing. So exact were the messages that I know for a fact, it was only by the Lord. Only He could have orchestrated it to be that way.
There is so much that I left out...but I shared this today because lately, I've been succumbing to my emotions. Yet at this same time, I am reminded of what God had done for me and what He continues to do. He loves me and He is faithful to finish what He started. I don't deserve it...not any of it.
Thank you for praying for me. He's listening....I know He is.