Where was I?

Today I was looking through my camera...there was my sisters laughing in the kitchen, my mom making a silly face...and a shot of the biggest hamburger we have ever grilled. As I'm looking through them I realize its not the first time my dad isn't there. I have many photos stored and whenever I go look through them with the fam my dad asks the question, "Where was I?" and I immediately snap back, "You weren't there." He sighs a little and I realize I was harsh. "Well you know...you were working" or "You had a game". Something along those lines...but for the most part my dad is always working. He always has been. In my own life, I felt the effects of a working dad and the missed time as a family. It never bothered me, until I compared myself with my friends and saw how their dad was. In some families that I compared, I was thankful my dad was nothing like them...but in other few families I wish I had that relationship that they had. I struggled a bit in middle school about this but I learned early on that God was my Heavenly Father and I could go to Him. So I did. I love that I had God to turn to...but I don't think I ever got over having a "working" dad. The military was always, in a sense, his family and they were his priority. He did all this for us though, but I always felt as a child, like I was struggling with the military over my dad. He was drained at the end of a work day and had little time with us. But he tried to make the most of it. I know he did...When it came to retire for him, I finally felt like "YES! We have our Daddy now!" and he was happy with spending time with us too. And it has been...but throughout all this I realized today I was harboring bitterness. Bitterness over the time missed of a working father. I was flipping through this pictures today and the phrase to my father was being repeated you weren't there. I got a little upset and then I realized...I haven't done anything about it either. You see, my dad knows he missed out. He regrets it alot. So much so that now he tries hard to spend time with us. But because I've been bitter I have been pushing my dad away. This week especially...I have been so rude,disrespectful and just plain mean. When he says how he wishes we were little again, I tell him, "Daddy, we're not three anymore. Sorry you missed that." or when he says he misses watching our soccer games I say, "Yeah you were deployed..." Three weeks ago, he came across our graduation gowns...and he said he never got to see us in them so he asked me and my twin if we were willing to try them on again. My sister said it was dusty...and I just said no. He got quiet and said "Okay. Thats fine. I'll wait till you graduate college then." and he left. My sister and I looked at each other and said nothing. I began to feel a bit guilty. A week or two later, my dad asked if we could clean the dining room because he was tired and wanted to eat with us. I argued a bit and said we had other things to do...but the next day I carelessly cleaned it up. My dad came home and he was very tired. So tired he didn't notice some things I had missed picking up...and he ate his dinner. But as I got up to get something from the kitchen, I felt my eyes being opened. My dad works so hard and THIS is the best I could do? Is this what my dad should come home to? I felt immediate shame and vowed to better the next day...and I did. By God I did...because honestly God had been beginning to work in my heart. This past week  has been one of the worst. I have been so upset and so bitter until today in conclusion God showed me, "Look at yourself. Is this is how you are supposed to act towards your father? I gave him to you. Honor what I have given you." and I felt so...convicted. I've been crying over it telling God I'm sorry for being so mean to my dad...for allowing bitterness to make me so hurtful to my dad. Because I have been! I thought I was in the right, showing my dad his wrongs. Who the heck am I to do that? Instead, I've just been rubbing it in bitterly.

Today, my dad asked if we could watch a soccer game with him. And you know what? I am going to. I'm going to quit being the rebellious, bitter daughter I have been. I'm going to stop but all by God's grace. Because I can't do it on my own. Bitterness is a waste of time. My dad missed spending time with us out of necessity. And I wasted time out of bitterness. I'm praying I don't fall in that again.

51 Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,^[a]
And blameless when You judge.

⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
⁶ Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.⁹ Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.¹³ Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
¹⁶ For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar

-Psalm 51

*Verses in bold are what stand out to me as I meditated on this.