The fear of talking

So I took another mini break from my usual blogging...Its funny how I say that because I really like to blog. I have a million things I want to write and sometimes my hands will start "typing" on my lap, desk, windowsill or whatever. Like I'll be deep in thought and I'll just start "typing" whats on my mind...like a musician to a piano! Except they create works of art and I'm just babbling...not an interesting melody. Musicians have such an amazing gift...but I think, no, I'm CONVINCED God did not bless me with that gift because I would have been prideful and not use it for His glory.

Anyways.

I have recently discovered I can't talk. "What?" you ask. Well I can talk just fine, my voice is functioning wonderfully (in a speaking sense, not singing...I just said I'm not gifted) and I can raise my voice without yelling (a friend of mine once compared it to the voice of God because he could hear me but he had no idea where I was...I was across the field and he was on a patio-like walkway. I wouldn't compare my voice like THAT but I know I'm loud.<<<<Understatement of the year.)

So what is wrong? Why can't I talk?
To be honest, I don't know when it started but I find myself totally okay with being isolated. I don't want to make the effort of reaching out and well...talking. And you want to know something? As hard as it for me to say this, I have realized I am terrified to talk. Recently, my sister was trying to get me to talk to someone and I froze. I begged and pleaded with her to please don't make me sit over there, don't make me talk...she frowned and couldn't understand what was wrong with me. "You never had a problem with talking!" she said with confusion. And then...I realized she was right.
I was SCARED and I didn't know why!

Is it fear of rejection? Fear of being thought dumb? Or...was I afraid to get attached only to allow myself to be vulnerable to those who can hurt me should they choose to?

All of the above. But mainly the last one...I am so afraid of being vulnerable. I have let people in and one person (unintentionally of course!) had hurt me. They didn't mean to...it took time and prayer to realize that because I was holding that grudge against them...I had shared my heart only to have it just tossed aside without a thought. Its not that they didn't care...I believe they did care. In fact, I sincerely believe if they knew I was hurt they would have tried to fix it...so what happened? To be honest, I don't really know. It was a friendship that I don't think God desired so He allowed it to fade...thats all I can say...but it was a bit hurtful. And I built a wall...(as I think about this, I realize I had recorded this wall-building event in my devotional journal, its kinda bitter...uh-oh. That might not be a good thing. I might need to look into that.) It is a wall that would not allow people in again. And I felt safe...I still feel safe. Still? Yes, my wall is still up. *sigh* I can talk so easily on my blog...but when I'm there...am I faking it???? I thought I was being real...but lately I've been feeling challenged about who I am. And the confrontation with my sister is what confirmed it. Why did I freeze up like that? Why did that sinking feeling hit me so hard? I've been reading a book by Cheryl Brodersen addressing this and maybe the Lord is showing me a piece of myself that I hadn't realized was there (or maybe I did and I thought it was okay...yep.)

So here I am...hoping to change...even though I'd rather prefer to live behind this wall. Sorry if this was emotional...its late and I just needed to think....so there might be another long absence in my blogging...if you can please say a quick prayer for me. This is an issue I need to address and I have a feeling I'll be fighing this.

Note: I just re-read this and I would like to clarify something. Since I have been feeling a gentle prod in this area of my life, please let me explain I am reaching out and talking. Yesterday was just a confirmation of what I've been feeling convicted about (and it was a chastening from the Lord through my sister, because I was being a little stubborn). Other than that, if I exhibited a "loner" attitude. GREAT! Just kidding. I shouldn't be a loner...nobody was created to be a loner. That is all.