When the past drives me crazy

1 Corinthians 2:9...I see this on my laptop everyday.

This is different season for me...maybe it's just me but emotionally and in my health, I've been down. These last two days, I've been struggling with the past and this week  I had an annoying cold. I think everyone just has those days where they come to a place of "I really don't need this right now." Yesterday, I wanted to pull away from so many things. I have committments and deadlines that I really wished would go away. It's interesting because on Thursday night, my sister and I go to a Bible study. I really did not want to go and for the first time I considered of just not going because I plainly did not want to go. I really didn't want to see people and I wanted to stay home, tucked away in my room, out of sight. After work, I was getting ready to tell my sister I wasn't going when my co-worker called.
"Hey, can you tell Maria she forgot her purse? I'll bring it to the Bible study tonight, okay?" she told my sister. Naturally, I would have told my sister to get it for me, but...I knew she would forget so therefore I had to go. She had a hectic day and she didn't need to do something for me just because I was being selfish. So I consented to go...I was blessed that night and I was glad I went. I really believe the Lord orchestrated circumstances for me to go even though I didn't want to. Especially using my purse....my purse is a big part of me and I really don't like going anywhere without it! It's like an extra limb really.
Then the last two days, I got into a disagreement over many things...but finally after some time and realizing the kinds of things that were running in my head in my moments of frustration I realized what the issue might be. The past.
I'm ashamed to admit I struggle with anger.
This morning in my moment of being upset and finding myself totally alone, I felt myself just being angry. Why all the anger? you might ask. Because there are things in the past, things that were done, things that hurt to think about, that I encountered. That I went through as a kid without Christ. These events however are no excuse for my behavior. Rather, I try not to think about it because I don't want to give in to self-pity nor do I want to relive something I'd rather forget. So as I was meditating I remebered the only One who could help me was God. I had my Bible next to me but to be honest I didn't want to read it all. I was so upset but at the same time I wanted my anger to go away. I asked God to show me something that talks about being angry and after some searching I landed on Ephesians 4. I had shared verse 31 earlier this week and it came to rememberance today as I searched my Bible...and my soul began to quiet...then I decided to read the chapter in it's entirety and I landed on verse 22. The verse was shown to me and it fit for my present circumstance.

"...that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, ²³ and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, ²⁴ and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness."

We are told to put  away the old man and be renewed in our mind and put on the new man which was created according to God. This new nature that God gives us, enables us with the ability to deal with the past. I, in a sense, did not put aside the old nature concerning my past. Instead I was listening to the memories and reacting angrily. But when these memories come, I need to renew my mind. I need to remember that's not me anymore. That past which caused me pain does not define who I will be or who I am right now. Christ gave me a new life and the past is no more. I need to live my life with this newness I've been given and rejoice that my past has no power over me. I shouldn't let it have power. The emotional abuse that looms overhead must be silenced with the Word of God. With the truth that I am loved deeply and cherished by God Almighty. That I have a purpose and the pain doesn't mean He wasn't there. He was there and the pain I could ever feel does not compare to what He felt when He experienced pain of the most undescribable kind. He knows pain! If anything, the pain has caused me to run and throw myself at His feet. When I was pushed away, I was pushed into the everlasting arms of a Heavenly Father who desired me. Who wanted me around and who promised never to hurt me.
So yes, I hate the pain of the past...but it's driven me to God. I can be thankful for that.