When He says no

We have those seasons where it just seems dry. Day-to-day things where you just feel...BLEH. That was me awhile back. I love to take pictures and up to last year you wouldn't see me without my camera...but lately I had just let it go. Maybe it was because of winter. Maybe it was because it hardly is sunny here. Or maybe I just didnt't feel motivated. When I look at my pictures I see alot of light and joy reflecting from those shots. And looking at those other days when I felt bleh I see a dullness and lack of light. Objects are out of focus, the picture is grainy, or it just is rather pathetic. So I had stopped because what was the point anyway since I really didn't want to record those kind of shots anyway....so I resorted to this...

I made this. I don't know how it ended up this way...I had started with trying to create my approach to a song I liked...but then it changed to how I really was feeling.

I see here a request. A request to God.

I look around and I fall into the comparison game. I see so many people my age succeeding with life, and following their dreams. Then I see me. I'm not aiming for those kinds of things. I'm just me. Doing college...helping my parents...I don't mind that. I'm going to pour my heart out here so be prepared...

I have always dreamed of going to Bible College in Murrieta.

Everyone I came in contact with knew this. They knew that after high school I intended very much to go. I wanted to be a missionary or get into ministry. I wanted to do something for God. Well, I graduated. Helped at the church and got a job on base. After praying and relating some of these circumstances, I don't remember who, but a friend suggested for now I just obey my parents(that might be weird but I am a strong believer now..that even though I was considered an "adult" after high school, I was very much immature.I was not ready to leave. And they knew that.) and serve God in His leading.  God would honor me in that. He did. I was blessed during that time and God worked in me. ...Then I wondered.. So I thought, "Maybe when I move back to the States?"

Two years later, I am in Washington wondering again. And then I pushed out of my mind. I was a little upset at myself in this. I never thought of it again because I felt like I failed God in this area. Then this past month it was brought to mind again. And I talked to my mother. Yes, I went to MOTHER. ;) Everyone needs their mom to talk to and she is definetly someone I go to when I need advice. And she talked to me...well I did most of the talking and she listened. After some thinking, she reminded about this pastor who wanted to be an evangelist. He very badly wanted to be an evangelist not a Bible teacher. And he prayed to God about this. This pastor had an honest request. He was not asking for anything wrong. But God told him no. He wanted him to be a Bible teacher. And this pastor let it go and rested in that. I thought about this. I am not requesting anything bad. But maybe, just maybe, God wants me to do something else...and my request is hindering what He REALLY wants me to do. Its hindering because I haven't allowed myself to hear anything else but Bible College. Don't get me wrong, Bible College is a good thing! But it is wrong when I say to God, "No, Lord. I don't want to do what You are asking me to do. Let me do this instead. Its good and totally for You!" I have closed everything else and primarily focused on what I want to do for God not what He wants. I remember King David. Oh this guy really wanted to build a temple for God. He was a man after God's own heart!

"But the LORD said to my father David, 'Whereas it was in your heart to build a temple for My name, you did well that it was in your heart. Nevertheless, you shall not build the temple… (1 Kings 8:18-19; emphasis mine)

 God told David no. God, I believe, is telling me no. It hurts. But I will rest in that and trust that God KNOWS what He is doing. He might be telling me no because now is not the time. But He is good and I can trust Him. Thank you Lord.