Harsh Reality

I stood there telling my mom my brilliant plan...I was excited and hopeful. Already I was envisioning how it would work out PERFECTLY.
My mom listened silently and when I was finished, she questioned it.
And with the questions came the sinking feeling of utter foolishness.
What was I thinking?
She pointed out the situation and how unreasonable an adventure like that is, right now in our current circumstances.
I would like to cry...I really do want to cry. But I haven't in a long time and I intend to keep it that way. I hate crying...because it's ridiculous how sensitive, and self-centered I am. I'm not going to cry.
But as of right now, everything is uncertain. AGAIN.
There is a big chunk of people who might lose their jobs one of them more than likely, going to be my dad at the end of this year.
He asked for assistance with his resume...just to make sure it's up to date and worded correctly, but I can't.
I don't want to go through all the effort for rejection, after rejection, after rejection. And then watch him get discouraged because his resume wasn't good enough. All written, edited and revised by me. I feel like it's my fault when people overlook him. He is intelligent and brilliant...why can't they see that? Lately, I've given this duty over to Maricela. She is stronger in this and can take it. I'm not.

I'm looking into other jobs but I'm wondering if I'm being too picky as well. I'd like a job to work with kids...I've always wanted that and I'm looking for something that will help me get there. Not start at the bottom of the ladder. Maybe I'm being dumb. I don't know.

Sometimes... lately, my prayer list has increased. I think about it almost every time I focus on my problems. I don't know why I remember people when I'm telling God my problems but they just pop up. And I get a little upset.
"Lord, I need help! I'm the one who is praying for ME. Why do you want me to pray for him/her RIGHT NOW??"...then I get convicted and I pray for these people on my list. It's frustrating because being the selfish girl I am, I want to be first in line. But when I stop with my personal requests, I put these individuals ahead of me. It's humbling and oh so trying. But good. Good, because I see the areas of selfishness and what I need to give to the Lord.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. ⁹ Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰ Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? ¹¹ If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! "-Matthew 7:7-11

I've been asking over and over for doors to be opened. I need so much, Lord...right?

"You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures."-James 4:3
I'm asking, not receiving because I ask "amiss"? Because I'm asking for the wrong reasons? What are my wrong reasons? Asking for job security? Because if that happens...I won't lean on You but instead on my own independence and abilities? Because You know, that not only do I desire a job, but I desire it so I can live my own way? It's not about living comfortably but about being holy, set apart for You and trusting You?

" And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. ¹⁴ If you ask^[c]anything in My name, I will do it."- John 14:13-14

Should I change my requests then? Should I instead pray for Your will and give this up to You? Every single day...I know I should. Help me to pray for the right things. Help me to be submissive, willing, patient, and to trust You. I need You when the process is hard. I need You to remind me, it's not how well or good I edit/revise/update that will get things through but Your divine intervention. Only You open and close doors. Man does not. We are only vessels for Your work. And don't let me cry when I fall into self-pity...lift me up and help me to keep going. Keep me strong. I desperately need it.

And for the list that You've set for me to pray for...Lord, it's long and I can't keep track of them all...please continue to use me in that area. Let me be a part of the work...